Fear

 

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear"...C.S.Lewis

She has read that quote a thousand times yet never truly understand it until now. 

It's the fear, often times paralyzing fear she feels every day yet she didn't even realize it. She was looking at fear as this big event when in reality it is a hundred little things she faces everyday. 

She feels fear every morning when she opens her eyes. She feels fear every time she walks out of the apartment. She feels fear every time she has to make a decision on her own. 

Fear is as present as sadness covering her like a weighted blanket from the time she wakes up until she finally falls asleep. 

It is waking up each day with  fear beside her never knowing what sound, what site what anything is going to set her off as the wave of grief wash over her knocking her to knees within a millisecond. 

It doesn't always appear as the obvious doom and gloom, most often it surfaces as the tiniest feeling.

It’s the fear of walking into a store, it’s the fear of going somewhere alone, and the big fear of moving forward alone. 

To her it it's the constant feeling of anxiety and panic she feels deep in her bones causing her skin to feel like perpetually has pins and needles. It is the deep breathing she experiences when having to face something new alone. It is the breath which gets caught in her throat when she thinks of the next hour without him by her side. 

It is the fear of forgetting any little thing about him. She clings to every detail, every little moment anything from her memories. She repeatedly looks at his pictures while listening to the few videos she has of his voice. She is petrified of forgetting anything about him especially forgetting his voice. 

It is the fear of the future, alone with so many decisions without him to talk anything over with. She fears the day someone says to her "aren't you over this yet". She will never be "over losing him, never" she will carry all of this in her heart as she trudges forward until they meet again.