The Battle

One of the hardest minute by minute battles I face every single day after he passed was finding the me I was when I was with him. 

The notion that I could continue on my life journey without him, being the same person I was is one of the hardest things for my mind to accept. 

I know the me I was is forever gone yet my mind fights me everyday trying to convince me I am...I am not, I could never be after this, it is a mindset no one wants to be in. 

Slowly painful slowly I am realizing I will never be that person again, this is the battle, the uncertainty clinging to the familiar, clinging to how I was with him, clinging to Us... While moving forward. 

I allow glimpses of discovering the new me through only to run back to the old familiar me... the battle...

Only for brief moments I am able to lean into this mindset until it is quickly replaced to complete denial...Denial he is gone, denial I can move forward...denial about anything and everything. 

I struggle to figure out who I am, I struggle to find the home within myself I had with him and I struggle building the future that I thought we were going to build together...alone.