Christmas

She is trying her hardest to get through to Christmas, it was her favorite holiday. Actually Christmas Eve has always been her favorite. Even when the kids were little, she always looked forward to Christmas Eve night. She can't help but be crushed he isn't by her side this Christmas Eve. She still doesn't believe he is gone. 

Christmas Eve Day was a day they would run around him especially. He was the typical man, waiting to the very last minute to get the reminder of his gifts. He would grumble about the crowds and lines, she would just listen to him as she was smiling, telling him it's Christmas what did he expect. 

She would be running around as well gathering the last minute fixings for their Christmas Eve celebration with the kids. She couldn't wait to see the kids, they always celebrated the holiday together snacking on appetizers, laughing together and opening gifts. 

She was in her happy place, all the loves of her life where there, her heart was happy. After the kids would leave they would clean up, spending the rest of the evening together. They would shut off all the lights, except the lights on the Christmas tree, cuddle with each other gazing into the tree. She shared with him how even at her age she would often get caught up in the magic of Christmas believing Santa was on his way delivering toys and gifts to everyone.  

She didn't decorate, there is no tree, she couldn't bare the thought nor had the energy to put one up. She couldn't sit here night after night without him waiting for Christmas Eve to arrive for their Christmas Eve traditions. Instead she sat alone every night begging Santa for a Christmas miracle. 

She asked Santa each night for this nightmare to end. She asked him please for one gift, to wake up Christmas morning to him laying next to her. There wasn't any gift she wanted more than to open her eyes on Christmas morning turn to face him and wish him a Merry Christmas. 

She knew in her mind Santa was not real, the little girl in her still believed he was. She needed to believe Santa was the one person who could give her back the gift of him, Santa would do that for her she had been good all year. She went to bed Christmas Eve asking Santa once again to please stop by their home to give her the only gift she wanted. 

She woke up Christmas morning, Santa had to have heard her wish. She opened her eyes she was going to see him laying next to her, hear his snoring, the last three months being a horrible nightmare but she was alone. Santa had skipped their home, he wasn't next to her. 

She should be used to it, she wakes up every morning hoping he is here only to be smacked back into reality he is not. The pain of reality doesn't ease with time, it gets harder as each morning comes. The heartache, the crying the nauseous feeling doesn't lessen it in fact gets harder.  Christmas is just another day she tells herself, trying to fool herself. 

Their first Christmas apart, how is going to do this without him? She can't hold the tears any longer, she lets the tears come as she wishes him a Merry Christmas hugging and kissing the only thing she physically has left of him, his urn. 

Merry Christmas My Love I love you with all my heart...