God

 

Today is the first time she has prayed, she was at the park in front of the tree growing into the frozen water. She needs help, she needs someone to lean on. 

She worked hard at developing her faith. Just like anything she did, she went full speed ahead learning and discovering her faith. She studied scripture, read devotionals and started talking to God daily. 

Together they stumbled upon their new church. It was a Friday night, as usual he was deciding what he wanted to eat, it was often a long process. He could be very picky where he ate, but they wanted something different. 

They were googling options when all of a sudden she blurted out let's get chicken n'waffles. She couldn't enjoy the waffle part since she was prepping for a competition but she could eat the chicken. She tried very hard not to let her competing interfere with date nights, they googled places finding one in Medford. 

After thinking on it he said "sure let's try it", they headed out. On the way there they passed a building which looked industrial yet had a ton of people pulling up and parking. As they stopped at the light they were able to read the name on the building, True North Church. 

As they were eating, she goggled True North, telling him it was a Christian Church hosting Good Friday services, they talked previously about finding a church figured it was divine intervention they passed by on Good Friday so they decided to go to see what it was all about. 

Good Friday isn't exactly the best night to go try out a new church but they were intrigued deciding to go back Easter Sunday. After Easter Sunday they knew they had found there new church, both loved going every Sunday, they loved the music, the community everything about it. Her faith deepened, she felt comfortable there, he did as well, he enjoyed going he liked that they equated everyday life to the Bible. 

They both decided to volunteer, she was a greeter he was an usher, it gave them an opportunity to connect with people. They never missed a Sunday eager to hear the Pastor speak, it brought them closer together with each other and God. She doesn't know if she will ever be able to walk in the doors again without being on his arm just thinking about it brings to tears to her eyes, their Church without him seems impossible to her.  

The day he was called home was the day she stopped talking to God. She is angry, she talked to God multiple times a day for years, she couldn't talk to him now. He took away her best friend, her partner in everything, her forever love, Why? It's a question she asks herself 1000 times a day, Why? What was the reasoning God, what?  

When he first developed the high blood pressure, she immediately began talking to God asking him for guidance, to watch over him, to heal him. Everyday they would pray together holding hands praying to God to help him through this.  He loved that she prayed with him, he often would sit there with tears in his eyes telling her how beautiful she prayed for them. He would finish the praying thanking God for having her by his side to please watch over her. She thought it was so sweet of him to do that, it meant so much to her. They both later their worries in God's hands knowing everything would be alright. 

God did not make everything alright, he healed him by calling him home. She couldn't bring herself to talk to him, he took him home. She felt let down by God, betrayed by him, abandoned by the God she prayed and talked to for years. She put her faith in him and he turned around shattering that faith. She no longer had trust in him. 

Today though she just couldn't take the pain any longer. The heavyweight of sadness is too much for her to carry alone. She asked God to please help her, help her understand why. She knows she will never get the answer to why, she knows she will live with the question forever. 

She needs help to move forward on her own without her love...her person. Facing a life without her person is extremely frightening to her, he was the only person who completely truly knew her. The person who loved every bit of her flaws and all. He was her security, her home, her forever love, he was the man who made her a better woman.