His Clothes

 

She wears his clothes everyday, she doesn't care how she looks, she wants him to be a part of her day. By wearing his tank tops and shirts he still continues to be close to her. She also sprays his Old Spice on his shirts, he liked the scent it wasn't too heavy for everyday wear, his Versace cologne was for date nights. Sometimes it is hard for her the smell the scent, it brings up the memories which are still very painful for her. She hopes to get to a point remembering doesn't cause her heart to break. 

All his things are exactly where he left them. She can't bear the thought of putting anything away, even thinking about it she gets a lump in her throat as the tears well up feeling the paralyzing pain of sadness overtake her. Just like she tells herself he is at work she tells herself he will need his things when he comes walking back in the door, how could she pack up his things? 

She started wearing his mask a few days after the day. She had to clean out his car before they came for it. They had them custom made, mandatory masks they were called. He hated wearing the mask, he always made a fuss about it but he was happy to have his "mandatory mask he was forced to wear" it made it a bit better, they were making a statement. 

She found the mask hanging on his steering column, instantly putting it on. This simple piece of cloth touched him touched his lips, she sat there for a long time with his mask on tears running down her face.  How could he be gone? She still couldn't wouldn't believe it, this was just a nightmare she was going to wake up from. 

While sitting in his car, she started remembering all the places they had gone. The road trips, late night diner and McDonald's runs and her fondest memory getting their cold brew heading to the beach to watch the sunset. 

Anywhere they went always involved stopping for cold brew. They knew where every 7 Eleven, sevs as they called it, was located that had all the fixings they needed for their cold brew. They would get cold brew with plans of doing something and end up sitting in a parking lot talking and laughing for hours, she loved these impromptu dates. She didn't care where they were, as long as they were together her heart was happy. 

The memories are painful, everything is still raw. Remembering hurts not because of the memories but knowing there will be no new memories made between them, this is what breaks her, her breathing gets harder like there is a vise grip around her. She can't bear to think of the future they no longer have.