Home

 

They say home is where your heart is, her heart has been shattered, her feeling of home has been shattered. Nothing feels like home now, it's just painfully empty since he is gone. 

They worked hard to create a home within themselves. They didn't have the chance to own a house together, that was part of their future dream, another thing shattered. They moved a few times since they have been together, each new place was decorated with finds from countless weekends spent antiquing and going to garage sales. It was warm and comforting, each carefully selected pieces representing their styles. 

They enjoyed spending time antiquing, they would often drive out east to different places looking for that little something to add to their collection, always stopping somewhere for lunch. They would look at pieces of antique furniture they would love to add once they had their own home. 

Now she is lost, nothing feels like home. She isn't just talking about a physical home she means her heart, her security her love...her home within her heart. Since he is gone she feels homeless within her home and her heart, alone with her thoughts. 

He is no longer there to share her thoughts, to talk things over with, to joke around with. She can't look over on the couch to see him already looking at her, she misses the day to day calls and texts. She misses the plans they had to buy a home to lay down roots growing old together. 

All these things make up the home in her heart, not the physical items decorating their home. There is now an empty space within their home where he would be, the same emptiness is in her heart. 

She looks at all the items they acquired on those weekend trips. Half of the time she remembers where they bought each item, the fun they had deciding whether to buy this or that, she was "frugal" he would say. He always had to convince her it was a good find, it was all part of the fun day. The other half of the time she looks at the items wanting to smash them to pieces from the anger, the anger of losing him so young, the anger over the future they were never going to have together.  

The emotions overtake her all day. Sadness turns into anger which turns into guilt, it is an endless cycle repeateding over and over again. She has never felt so many different emotions at the same time along with the ever present loneliness. 

The loneliness is the worst, this is what cripples her in an instant when she allows herself to feel it. She tries so hard not to feel it, she knows she needs to though, she knows she needs to feel all the feelings yet they are to powerful to feel all at once. 

She can be in a room with 100 people yet feel alone, he isn't there to hold her hand, to look over to see him smiling, to feel secure. She feels the void of her home greatly in her heart. The oneness of two gone forever, her other is half gone, her feeling of home is gone. 

She is mentally as well as physically exhausted from feeling the emotions, she wishes there was a switch to shut her mind off for even 5 minutes, 5 minutes of nothing, no thinking just quiet.