Sober

She celebrated 10 years this past July, 10 years of being sober. She joked with him too bad she couldn't have a drink to celebrate the accomplishment, 10 years was a big one.

She cherishes her sobriety, it is a gift above all else. She never struggled with not drinking, she never felt like she was missing out because she didn't drink. She never thought about drinking. She was proud of her years. She often shared with others how incredibly easy the 10 years had been.

The day he passed was the first time in 10 years she immediately thought about having a drink, to stop the pain to numb her. She has thought about drinking every day since the day. Just one two twelve drinks to help her stop thinking, to stop feeling the heart break for a few hours.

She can taste her old friends Jack and Jim, she can still feel the warm fuzzy feeling after having a shot. She knows it will take away the pain for the moment, she also knows though the pain it will add to her loss and grieving.

She won't pick up, but the thoughts are there they are always there. She knows it is not the answer, she knows the bottle is never the answer.

As much as she doesn't want to feel the pain, she knows she must. She knows she has to grieve the loss of him, the loss to her, and the loss of them with a clear sober mind.

She knows it's ok to think about it, it's okay to work though the desire.  The desire will not diminish if she doesn't work through the feelings, the desire will only grow. She knows if she drinks she is only delaying the grieving process.

She has to feel she knows if she numbs herself she is hurting herself more. He would not want her to do that, he would want her to love herself as intensly has he loves her. She will go through all the heartbreak and pain... Sober.

Thank you babe for giving me one last gift...I love you forever