Loss

The thing no one understands about losing someone is the loss of everything, both associated directly with him as well as indirectly. The most devastating for her is the loss of him. The secondary and tertiary losses are vast and limitless. They both loved saying the word tertiary, she knows it's strange, yet it is exactly the levels of loss she goes through daily. Whenever there was a storm they always laughed when the news anchors said the word tertiary. She has lost the one person who would laugh as much as she would at a simple word. 

She has suffered loss in her life many times yet never anything to bring her to her knees as losing him has. She lost her father Christmas Eve of 2019 which affected her more than she thought it would.  She didn't have the father/daughter relationship she always craved yearned for, they didn't speak for most of her adult life yet when he passed it hit her hard. She mourned the dad she knew as a young girl as well as mourning the loss of the relationship they were trying to build later in life. 

When her love passed, the tertiary loss was the loss of her dad, it was the one person she needed so badly to support her, to help her through losing him. She doesn't even know why she needed to have her dad, all she knows is she still reaches for the phone to call her dad and has since the day. She is fatherless when all she needed was the comfort of her dad with the loss of her best friend and husband, her Love. 

The levels go far beneath secondary and tertiary, the levels of loss from grief are all encompassing. For her it can be as simple as hearing a sound which reminds her of him or them. It's sneezing without him saying "bless you", it is a quick snow shower or seeing the brand of ginger ale he used to drink, it doesn't matter what it is all she knows is she is experiencing every second of her day without him. 

She repeatedly has to stop herself from texting or calling to tell him something. Anything she does now whether it is an old habit or something new is to some degree a level of loss of him. It doesn't matter if it is something huge or the most mundane simplest thing, the end result is she gets the breathe knocked out of her and feels the loss deep within her.

Every thought, every decision, every action she is moving forward on her own is another loss. Not being able to share these things with him is the greatest loss and is heartbreaking to her. There isn't anything in her day which doesn't feel like loss.