Sudden Death

 

Nothing makes sense to her anymore, nothing. She used to have some sort of direction together with him, they had direction. Now she doesn't know any direction to go in, everything is jagged cracked blurry with no clear path. 

She used to feel secure... Now she spends her days alternating between complete utter sadness and anxiety. The sadness is paralyzing, so very heavy to carry alone, it strips her of whatever energy she has instantly, she can feel her bones tired. Everything takes longer to do when she can do things. 

The simplest of tasks go undone most days, managing to make sure the cats are fed is her only priority. The sink is full, dishes go unwashed for days. Laundry is difficult to do, it's not the washing/drying but the folding, the folding ends in tears. There is considerable less laundry most of his clothes glaringly missing with the exception of his shirts she still wears. 

The anxiety is an unending feeling like every nerve in her body is super sensitive to touch. The butterflies in her stomach make eating an even more impossible task without feeling like she is going to be sick. It is when the anxiety is high she feels like she has to keep moving, running yet she is running on empty with no energy or desire. She can't sit still because the quiet. The silence is deafening, ripping her already shattered heart into even smaller pieces. 

The loneliness fuels the anxiety, not having her other half of her heart to glance at, smile with and just be with crushes her.  They were one, doing everything and nothing together, that was the way they wanted it. 

Sudden death changes all this and more. Sudden death strips you of any security you may have felt and any direction you previously had. She is learning nothing feels like home, she is learning sadness, anxiety, anger and loneliness is her new normal and nothing feels safe anyone anything can be taken from her in a second. 

S.M. Schultes