Loneliness

 

She is sitting there listening to the clocks ticking. She is cursing herself for ever starting to collect clocks, the ticking is so loud in the silence that has become her life. 

Time has both flown by yet at the same time stood still in her new world. Tick tock she hates hearing this sound, she never heard it before when he was here. He always had the TV on and they were always chatting so it was not as noticable. She hasn't been able to put the TV on since the day. They always watched TV together, they had their favorite shows they would binge watch on the weekends. He loved certain shows often times watching the same episode over and over, she would tell him they just watched it but he didn't care. Now there is nothing but silence and loneliness. 

Feeling the loneliness is so very hard, many say losing someone is like losing your arm, to her it is more accurately described as losing half herself. She struggles moving forward, everything she does feels empty without him to share with. She worries with each tiny step she takes she is leaving him behind. Her head hurts it always hurts. 

They weren't like most couples during their work day. Him being a truck driver all he had was time on his hands as he drove up and down the LIE for 12 hours a day. His head piece was on his head from the minute he started his truck to the end of his day. She was always on the other end with her airport in her ear. They would chat all day not having that now amplifies the loneliness for her. Not having him in her ear any longer crushes her, she misses hearing his voice she even misses his cursing fits directed at the normal people driving as he called them the "four wheelers". 

She can be in a room full of people yet she is both alone and lonely.  The one person she looks for, the one person that she yearns for is not there. She constantly find herself looking for him it is just habit, a habit she hates that she has to break. She has to though for her own sanity. Everytime she looks for him not finding him is another loss, another piece of her heart shattering, she can't take the pain. It is the loneliest feeling for her. 

He knew everything about her, nothing was a secret. She misses so much being able to talk over the things going on inside her mind no matter if it was important or mundane. She misses turning towards him to talk with him, she misses snuggling in his arms feeling protected and safe. She talks with him all day still but it is not the same. 

It's not just the hole within her heart, it is the hole left in the everyday. When the batteries die in the clocks, she will not replace them. She will let them stop on whatever time just as the life she knew stopped on the day. She will live her life without the ticking of the clocks until their hearts beat as one again. 

S.M Schultes