The Kitchen

 

She actually cooked today for the first time in 5 months since the day, she soon realized why she will not cook again any time soon.

A pan, a simple pan sent her into a tailspin. Ok, maybe it's the combo of yet another snow storm by herself, alone without him to be spending the snow day with. They always had something simmering in the crock pot when there was a snow storm. Lounging together on the couch as the apartment smelled delicious. 

She took the pan out to make a simple omelette trying to get food in her, eating is getting worse and she lost it. Her appetite vanished, she has no desire to eat anything, she gags as she chokes down food many times trying to hold back the tears as she eats alone. 

It was a pan she primarily used but he did also on occasion. All she kept thinking about was he will never use this again. She thought of throwing it out, wait no she can't throw it out he touched it, how could she throw out something he touched.  Forget that it's been washed so his fingerprints or whatever aren't even on it but how can she even think of throwing something out "he touched" yet she knows she can never use it again.

The icing on the cake was putting it in the sink to be washed after she was done something so simple, something she has done thousand of times. He was an amazing cook not so much a cleaner upper, seeing it in the sink she instantly had a flashback of the times she would watch him in the kitchen prepping and cooking one of his specialities. She loved to watch him, they would joke around, her constantly teasing him how she couldn't understand how one person could get flour on every surface of the kitchen. 

Once he was done he would always leave the pan "soaking" in the sink as he called it

telling her "babe leave it I'll clean it later" knowing full well he never did. He knew she could never leave anything in the sink for more than a minute. Now bowls, silverware and cups fill the sink, she has no energy to clean them she doesn't care if the sink is filled. 

She hates this all, the ups and downs of emotions she can feel in a day, in a hour, in a minute since the day. She hates knowing she will never stand in the kitchen with him again watching him, wrapping her arms around him as he was cooking. She hates they will never sit down together to share a meal or have a date night dinner they made together. Just when she thinks her heart can't break anymore she feels it break a tiny bit more. 

She misses him so very much and misses him getting flour everywhere.